Last Sunday we were on our way to try family pictures. There were a lot of things to talk about: don’t argue with your siblings during the photo shoot, remember photographers sometimes say silly things to make us smile, please don’t correct the silly statements, yes you can have the iPads with dinner, remember no fighting, please don’t mess up your hair until after the pictures, remember what I said about arguing, yes you do have to pose with this family. And then the phone rang, and an email came in, and we got notifications that we had new text messages…all from the school’s alert system. The kids were confused as the system is most commonly associated with winter weather announcements, but this time the middle school principal was letting families know that a secondary student in the district had unexpectedly passed away over the weekend. Counselors would be available if anyone needed to talk. It wasn’t the conversation that I wanted to have.
Over the course of the week funeral arrangements were made and shared, an obituary was posted, and details made their way through our small community that a young life was lost as a result of suicide. As more students talked it became apparent that this young lady had been bullied. She had tried so many things, but the bullying wouldn’t stop. Even in her memory, the bullying has continued as it as recently come to light that a cruel joke about her passing has been circulating throughout the school. Several of the perpetrators have been identified and the school has doled out punishments. Explaining that her passing was at her own hand and then asking if they have heard the joke, wasn’t a conversation that I wanted to have with my children.
Let me be perfectly clear, neither I nor my children know this student or her family; however, that doesn’t keep me from being heart broken and physically sick. She was 13 years old--I have a child who is 13 years old. She spent last summer raising money to help a litter of kittens--my oldest son spent last night having a sleepover in the family room with our most recent litter of kittens. She was bullied--several of my children have experienced various degrees of bullying because they are or do things differently. I, like I’m sure this young lady’s family did, can tell my kids that fitting in isn’t all that important and that really everyone is born to stand out, but when you are in middle school, isn’t belonging really everything? I’m years past my middle school days, but I still vividly remember the moments of belonging and those when I didn’t. Don’t you? She had siblings who adored her and I’m sure they are lost wondering what they could have done differently. For all the arguing that they do, I can’t fathom what my own children would do, think, or feel if they lost one of their siblings, particularly under these circumstances. That isn’t a conversation that I want to have with my children.
I continue listing what our families have in common, but the bottom line is that this child could have easily been one of mine. Or she could have been one of my nieces or nephews. Or a neighbor’s child. Or a friend’s child. Or someone that I did know more intimately than sharing a hometown address. Sadly, her experience isn’t unique:
- In the past three years, teen suicide has increased 25% in adolescents ages 15-19
- Suicide is one of the leading causes of death for adolescents ages 10-24
- 1 in 100,000 children ages 10 to 14 die by suicide each year
- 7 in 100,000 youth ages 15 to 19 die by suicide each year.
- Bully victims are between 2 to 9 times more likely to consider suicide than non-victims, according to studies by Yale University
According to stopbullying.gov, in 2017 approximately 20% of students in the United States ages 12-18 reported experiencing bullying, and 19% of students in grades 9-12 reported being bullying on school grounds the previous school year. Almost 30% of students in the same study reported bullying others. Interestingly, the research found that when bystanders, staff or students intervene, the bullying stops within 10 seconds 57% of the time although the report didn’t mention if that was a temporary or long-term solution.
When you look at the statistics, these children are or at least should have been our responsibility. But that isn’t a conversation we want to have; it is too hard, too sad to think about, or bullies are just a fact of the world because after all they have always been around. But then one day the statistics get a little closer to home or they have a name and face that we recognize and we wonder why nobody did anything. But who do we think is going to do something if the something doesn’t start with us? I get that the problem is multi-faceted and there isn’t an easy solution. Maybe instead of focusing on the big picture, we can look at the smaller solutions that often start with the conversations that we can have. There is a big difference between normal kids-will-be-kids behavior and kids being bullies. We also need to stop accepting bad behaviors from parents in the drop-off line at school, teachers in the classroom, aides in the lunchroom, and coaches on the practice field. We need to label the behaviors what they are—bullying, and we need to demand that they stop. It’s time we have the conversations regardless if we want to or not because kids are dying.
In the last 48 hours in my house, we’ve talked about what happened to this young lady, we’ve talked about feelings, and we’ve talked about how to ask for help if we aren’t okay. We’ve talked about how to stand up for others even if it isn’t the popular thing to do. And we’ve talked about how to take yourself out of a situation even if literally running away from a situation is necessary to keep yourself physically and mentally healthy. There have been a lot of: “Mom I don’t want to have this conversation,” but we’re still having it.
We’ve also been talking about how to check your behaviors to make sure that nothing you are doing is contributing to bullying. And that has yielded a whole other round of mother I don’t want to have this conversation. The conversations haven’t been fun and there have been tears on both sides. If I’m completely honest it isn’t the conversation that I wanted to have either, but I’m in a battle to keep my kids alive despite the statistics so I will do what it takes. What conversations are you having today?
