Bullying: What Conversations Are You Having Today?

Last Sunday we were on our way to try family pictures.  There were a lot of things to talk about: don’t argue with your siblings during the photo shoot, remember photographers sometimes say silly things to make us smile, please don’t correct the silly statements, yes you can have the iPads with dinner, remember no fighting, please don’t mess up your hair until after the pictures, remember what I said about arguing, yes you do have to pose with this family. And then the phone rang, and an email came in, and we got notifications that we had new text messages…all from the school’s alert system.  The kids were confused as the system is most commonly associated with winter weather announcements, but this time the middle school principal was letting families know that a secondary student in the district had unexpectedly passed away over the weekend. Counselors would be available if anyone needed to talk. It wasn’t the conversation that I wanted to have. 

Over the course of the week funeral arrangements were made and shared, an obituary was posted, and details made their way through our small community that a young life was lost as a result of suicide. As more students talked it became apparent that this young lady had been bullied.  She had tried so many things, but the bullying wouldn’t stop. Even in her memory, the bullying has continued as it as recently come to light that a cruel joke about her passing has been circulating throughout the school. Several of the perpetrators have been identified and the school has doled out punishments.  Explaining that her passing was at her own hand and then asking if they have heard the joke, wasn’t a conversation that I wanted to have with my children. 

Let me be perfectly clear, neither I nor my children know this student or her family; however,  that doesn’t keep me from being heart broken and physically sick. She was 13 years old--I have a child who is 13 years old.  She spent last summer raising money to help a litter of kittens--my oldest son spent last night having a sleepover in the family room with our most recent litter of kittens.  She was bullied--several of my children have experienced various degrees of bullying because they are or do things differently. I, like I’m sure this young lady’s family did, can tell my kids that fitting in isn’t all that important and that really everyone is born to stand out, but when you are in middle school, isn’t belonging really everything?  I’m years past my middle school days, but I still vividly remember the moments of belonging and those when I didn’t. Don’t you? She had siblings who adored her and I’m sure they are lost wondering what they could have done differently. For all the arguing that they do, I can’t fathom what my own children would do, think, or feel if they lost one of their siblings, particularly under these circumstances. That isn’t a conversation that I want to have with my children. 

I continue listing what our families have in common, but the bottom line is that this child could have easily been one of mine. Or she could have been one of my nieces or nephews. Or a neighbor’s child. Or a friend’s child.  Or someone that I did know more intimately than sharing a hometown address. Sadly, her experience isn’t unique: 

• In the past three years, teen suicide has increased 25% in adolescents ages 15-19
• Suicide is one of the leading causes of death for adolescents ages 10-24
• 1 in 100,000 children ages 10 to 14 die by suicide each year
• 7 in 100,000 youth ages 15 to 19 die by suicide each year.
• Bully victims are between 2 to 9 times more likely to consider suicide than non-victims, according to studies by Yale University

According to stopbullying.gov, in 2017 approximately 20% of students in the United States ages 12-18 reported experiencing bullying, and 19% of students in grades 9-12 reported being bullying on school grounds the previous school year. Almost 30% of students in the same study reported bullying others. Interestingly, the research found that when bystanders, staff or students intervene, the bullying stops within 10 seconds 57% of the time although the report didn’t mention if that was a temporary or long-term solution. 

When you look at the statistics, these children are or at least should have been our responsibility.  But that isn’t a conversation we want to have; it is too hard, too sad to think about, or bullies are just a fact of the world because after all they have always been around. But then one day the statistics get a little closer to home or they have a name and face that we recognize and we wonder why nobody did anything. But who do we think is going to do something if the something doesn’t start with us? I get that the problem is multi-faceted and there isn’t an easy solution.  Maybe instead of focusing on the big picture, we can look at the smaller solutions that often start with the conversations that we can have.  There is a big difference between normal kids-will-be-kids behavior and kids being bullies.  We also need to stop accepting bad behaviors from parents in the drop-off line at school, teachers in the classroom, aides in the lunchroom, and coaches on the practice field.  We need to label the behaviors what they are—bullying, and we need to demand that they stop. It’s time we have the conversations regardless if we want to or not because kids are dying. 

In the last 48 hours in my house, we’ve talked about what happened to this young lady, we’ve talked about feelings, and we’ve talked about how to ask for help if we aren’t okay.  We’ve talked about how to stand up for others even if it isn’t the popular thing to do. And we’ve talked about how to take yourself out of a situation even if literally running away from a situation is necessary to keep yourself physically and mentally healthy. There have been a lot of: “Mom I don’t want to have this conversation,” but we’re still having it.  

We’ve also been talking about how to check your behaviors to make sure that nothing you are doing is contributing to bullying.  And that has yielded a whole other round of mother I don’t want to have this conversation.  The conversations haven’t been fun and there have been tears on both sides.  If I’m completely honest it isn’t the conversation that I wanted to have either, but I’m in a battle to keep my kids alive despite the statistics so I will do what it takes. What conversations are you having today?

Guest Blogger Melissa: Best Friends--Actions Speak Louder Than Words

Today's guest blogger Melissa O'Connell Timmer is a beautiful and talented individual whom I have had the fortune of calling friend for many years.  She is a devoted wife and inspirational mother to son Brycen who is on the autism spectrum and daugher/dancing diva Aubree.  In her "free" time she volunteers at her kids' school and works hard year long to raise thousands of dollars for Autism awareness. 

Friends listen to what you say.    Best friends listen to what you don't say.   ~Author Unknown

 

April…the month of the year that many in the Autism community choose to refocus on what is our individual mission within this spectrum.  Some parents/individuals focus on raising awareness.  Some focus on acceptance.  Some want to go off the radar for a while.  Our family chooses to just continue what we do all year long!  Give our son the best life we can and help him gain the skills we feel is important for him to life his life to the fullest.

One of the skills we choose to focus on the most right now is building peer relationships and helping Brycen learn how to play & interact with his peers.  Brycen is blessed to attend a school that encourages integration between the children with special needs and their typical developing peers.  Brycen & I are even more blessed that the last couple years there is an amazing little girl at his school that has given him a boost in this area.

Brycen & Shealin met a couple years ago at the beginning of 1^st grade.  They were assigned to the same general education class.  Even though Brycen only spent part of his day in that classroom environment, it was obvious the relationship that was budding between the two of them.  As the year continued, the teachers/associates included Shealin more into Brycen’s day by encouraging her to be a “peer mentor” to him.  Brycen is nonverbal & uses a communication device throughout the day.  He also can be aggressive at times when he doesn’t know how to communicate or gets overwhelmed & overstimulated.  Shealin understood all of this at the tender age of 6 years old & accepted him for who he was.  It worked out so well for both, that at the end of the year the team unanimously decided it was best to put them in the same 2^nd grade class as well to help Brycen with the transition.  I don’t think any of us could foresee how this young friendship would grow into something even some adults don’t have in their life!

As 2^nd grade progressed, other students & teachers came to realize there was not a Brycen in the general education classes without a Shealin with him.  Two peas in a pod, the ying to his yang, etc.  When Brycen is upset, he tends to be aggressive to those he is most comfortable with.  Shealin is no exception to that.  Yet, she doesn’t get upset with him like many other peers & adults do.  She states how she feels when he hits her and moves on, never judging him, accepting that this is sometimes too hard for him to control.  Shealin knows how to work Brycen’s communication device almost as well as the teachers/associates with him.  She understands that he doesn’t play the way the other 2^nd graders will at recess, and is eager to run around with Brycen in the way he knows how to play.  She can tell the signs of when he is getting frustrated and immediately reaches in to hold his hand, give him a squeeze to help him through, or just whisper to him that it will be ok.

Their relationship has progressed outside of school as well.  Brycen & Shealin are the true definition of best friends.  Shealin is the friend that EVERY child deserves, whether they have a disability or not.  Shealin has a heart of gold, wisdom beyond her years, & never-ending patience.  When Brycen & Shealin are together, there isn’t “Autism” in the equation.  Shealin is an amazing young girl that many older children & adults should strive to be like.  She is not only Brycen’s hero during some very rough years of his development, but she is MY hero as well!



If you are reading this blog post, I hope & pray that your child can have the relationship of a lifetime like Brycen & Shealin have!  I encourage you to talk to your child’s school & discuss implementing a peer mentor program like we are working towards at Brycen’s school for all children with special needs.  Not only is it a benefit to your child…but it’s a benefit to the peers who will be taught acceptance & understanding of those who may be a little different than them.  Let’s move into a new mission and focus on our children!

 

 

 

 

Guest Blogger Valeska: Breaking Down Stereotypes

[caption id="attachment_249" align="alignleft" width="232"] Valeska Toledo is a graphic and web designer by profession, a special needs advocate by passion, and mother of a handsome and clever 7 yr old boy with PDD-NOS, SPD and Global Dev. Delay. Although she loves to design websites, nothing brings her greater satisfaction than when she’s helping parents navigate through the IEP process, recommending therapy and interventions, and training parents to advocate for their children.[/caption]

 

 

Welcome all to Autism Awareness Month – I often wonder what that means.  AWARENESS – to become conscience, to recognize, to understand.

When my son was younger, shortly after we received his diagnosis of PDD-NOS (or high functioning autism for those not familiar with it), we went out to eat with a friend and her two kids.  My son was having a really hard time dealing with the environment, it had been our first time there and he was running and touching things.  While I was trying to calm him down, a very nice looking older man in a suit commented on my son’s behavior by saying: “you’re raising an axe murderer” to which I smiled and continued to talk to my son.  That wasn’t enough for this stranger though.  He continued by saying that he was serious, that he had been in the line at the bank earlier and had seen how my son was acting and how I clearly simply refuse to discipline him.    Now, I need you to understand one thing: it had been maybe a month or so since finding out my son had autism, I wasn’t ready to tell my family about it, much less a stranger.  By then my son was having a full-blown meltdown, I started to say something and broke down so I just grabbed him and ran outside to cry away from prying eyes.  That was a very important day for me.  It taught me two very important things: 1- People judge based on their own experiences and 2- I was alone in this battle for my friend never once said one word, not to me, not to the stranger who attacked me.  With the many more nightmarish experiences that followed I was forced to grow a thicker skin, to educate myself; I was also more aware of my surroundings and the people in it.  I used every “bad” moment as an educational moment.

Fast-forward 4 years of intense SPL, OT, PT, ABA and social therapies and I am now faced with a different, yet familiar problem.  My son has now entered the invisible handicap status.  For a while when I told people that my son has autism they would change their entire demeanor, they’d express understanding, sometimes condolences or even pity (I’ve learned to deal with that as well).  Today when I tell people my son has autism I hear “he doesn’t look autistic” (you’re lying to excuse your bad parenting), or “how is he able to understand this but not that then?”  Even friends and family members have come to “forget” that he has challenges because of all the great progress he has made.  What has happened to their awareness, their understanding?

Don't get me wrong. I am not saying I wish his autism was more visible or that he hadn't progressed so much or so quickly, but it's a very bittersweet process for I am left lost.  Sometimes I feel like I am starting to navigate Autism all over again, learning all about it from my son's point of view. To me autism awareness isn't about a day or even a month, it isn't about having people feel bad for the parents or sad for the children affected by Autism. It is simply to help others understand what it is or what it isn't.  It's about breaking down stereotypes and opening doors not only for our kids but also for the estimated 1.5 adults living with ASD in the U.S. alone.

When Elf's On Your Side, Anything is Possible

On Caden’s birthday Dan had to leave town unexpectedly for a family emergency.  As you can imagine this had the potential to launch a major autism disaster as did his absence for the next 9 days; honestly it did launch an autism blow up but I think Elf and I managed to minimize the disaster to semi-tolerable levels.  There were some notable highlights and lowlights.....

First we managed to finish out the birthday without too much drama. Caden genuinely enjoyed opening his presents and even requested the birthday song. Now this is huge because as you may recall we’ve had a ban on such songs for several years now. Granted he stopped us part way through the song but it was a sparkling indication that 6 is going to be a spectacular year for Caden. 

Thursday was a dramatic day although probably more so for me than the kids.  I have a huge dental phobia-you know the kind of phobia that doesn’t allow you to walk through the door to a building that houses a dental office or even watch dental commercials. But the appointments couldn’t be rescheduled until well after the start of school (and yes I did confirm that information just in case I had an escape hatch to use) so we headed out.  Caden was an absolute rock star even though he had to have dental xrays for the first time and the assistant wouldn’t allow Elf or I to go back with him.  He handled the exam and cleaning better than I did and the only work Elf had to do seemingly was with me.  We even made it home from the dental office although we may have taken a scenic route home. 

Fast forward through a few major meltdowns and we were ready for Ryley’s birthday party Thursday evening.  Although we were risking life and limb by going to a roller skating arena for the party, I refused to risk Elf’s tail so he stayed home.  Hosting a pre-teen party and keeping an eye on an energetic 6 year old was interesting but thankfully the older kids were all very kind and took turns playing with Caden on the playscape. One of the mothers even took pity on the look of fear on my face and stayed to help me. 

Friday we started a new medication for Caden.  After a long consultation with his pediatrician, we decided that Caden just couldn’t tolerate another surgical procedure unless we were dealing with an emergency.  She shared that trialing him on a new medication would give us almost the same information as one of the tests  because we’d either see improvement or we wouldn’t.  Side effects potential seemed minimal so I was totally and completely sold on the noninvasive plan. The kids and I headed out to pick up the prescription, try to get a few more school supplies at Walgreens, and then try to find the specialty pharmacy that was compounding a few new meds for our cat who apparently has kitty IBS.   Seriously we now have a dog with an ulcer and a cat with ibs—are we just the human and mammal GI disaster household??? This was all pretty uneventful until a stranger climbed into the front seat of the van with us and then proceeded to chat after realizing she was in the wrong car. Note to self: must research how to behave in a carjacking asap as I realized I had no clue although future carjackers should note that I am directionally illiterate so please allow extra time to program my gps.

Saturday marked the passing of another 28 days so the kids were slated for infusions at the hospital. We were able to get the new product in time for this infusion and thankfully both kids’ needles went in on the first try this month. Since I’m already boring you with a lot of details I won’t get into too much on this one other than to say that Caden had a rough time with the new medication and that gray isn’t the best color on him.

A lot of meltdowns, very little sleep, another doctor’s appointment, and a lot of school supply shopping later we headed to Mayo on Wednesday.  The biggest thing I learned on this trip is that I don’t drive our new van enough.  Case in point: Ryley and I had to read the instruction manual in the gas station parking lot in order to get the gas thingy off and we rode home with our windshield wipers on because I either thought it was a good idea or couldn’t get them turned off while driving [I am neither confirming nor denying which answer it is]. I also had to continue to be very thankful that my phone has an amazing gps because our creative route out of Rochester would have put us in the wrong state eventually if gps wouldn’t have kindly ordered us otherwise.  

I don’t know if I lost or won more battles in the last week but I do know that the kids were fed, they got some sleep, the house was semi-organized and clean, and at the end of almost every day Elf and I were still standing. I can honestly say that I needed Elf almost as much as Caden did because he was my backup and some hours the only living being in our household that I could guarantee liked me at that moment.  There’s something reassuring and consistent about a service dog and I’ve got to say he seems to be showing a lot less ptsd than I am at the moment.  Maybe it’s his acceptance of the moment rather than anxiety over past experiences or worry over what’s coming up next.  As long as there’s a little treat every once in a while, he’s ready for the next challenge; although I don’t quite know how yet, there’s a lesson for me to learn in Elf’s demeanor. I’m just hoping that we can substitute out Coke Cola or Starbucks for those stinky little nonvegetarian doggy bites that he so loves!